a Journey

it feels really weird to be bk in e pseudo single world. i guess it's becos i've been spending so much time with him in preparation for tis 10 mths stint (tt kept getting postponed!). i thot waiting for him to go was like living in limbo. i thot wrong. it is waiting for him to come bk which is e limbo period! *sigh* i mean, i guess whn he was ard... i jst lived for e moment without thinking too much abt e future, or e fact tt he was gonna go for 10 mths straight. well, maybe 6 mths if u consider e wk break he gets in dec. well watever. i jst feel frustrated n cheated. well i felt tt way e night he left. cos i realised tt he's been thru tis long dist r/s hell hole before. i jst felt tt he wasn't being totally honest with me. i mean, he had past references which i cld hve used as a rough gauge... but somehow he jst didn't say. but on e flip side, i guess it was always for like 1.5 mths at most. oh wells. haha. but it was funny e way i jst completely swung frm sad to angry. it was like one moment i'm sme weeping banshee that can't talk on e phone n e nxt moment i'm like all cold n logical saying, okie, i guess it mst be better if u sleep now. bah! i jst felt so cheated at tt point in time!!! but i think adeline (roy's gf) was rite... friends really do help. i'm not sure abt e travelling part yet but i sure hope we do make tt trip to melaka. haha. think sean k n ern might go crazy with me in e car! i'll prob jst alternate b/w yakking n sleeping! haha! wat a terrible travelling companion! oh wells! anyway, jst got off e phone with dh. he feels like dh now, not lama. i don't knw how to explain it properly... but lama was mine, unique to me. dh was e friend tt i knew. e gd n e bad. i guess wat i'm trying to say then is tt i see him more clearly now... his flaws n his plus points. it's no longer e way where i cld jst gloss over e flaws. i guess e ultimate test now wld be for me to ACCEPT e flaws. *sigh* how screwed up m i. i had to wait for him to leave before i reached tis point of clarity. oh wells. better now than never. like i told jo last nite, i'd rather be in e knw than be ignorant. ignorance may be bliss... but i'd rather sth real than sth superficial. but at e end of it all, i feel really blessed with e friends tt i have. really, i feel so touched by their care n concern for me! u all are e absolute sweeties! *hugs* it is becos i have them, i knw tt i'll be able to carry on with my life, come what may. my life does not revolve ard dh, simply becos, it'd be sheer stupidty if i chose to let tt happen. u all are too too good to give up for any one person! n Naidu, if u do hve a funeral, i will go. not to gloat but cos i miss ya n i appreciate u! *smilez*