a Journey

y'knw wat i jst realised? mocha bunny is really quite insightful. was talking to her abt lama n i last night, n she really helped me to sum up all e problems in our r/s. really, i think e problem lies with 2 main things: the fact tt lama n i have been so shut off frm e rest of e world for so long... n another, is lama's maturity, or rather e ability to perceive n understand things. lama always never wanted to hang out w e rest of them aft service, he was all about wanting 'personal time' with me. n yes, amy, u're rite. it gets bloody suffocating aft some time. i got tired, i got drained frm having to fufil this substantial amt of obligation to him. i bet if i tell him this, he's gonna go, 'tt's not true, i always let u hve time with ur friends. all u had to do was ask.' yesh, u'd let me. but u'd have tt i've been abandoned by my gf look on ur face for e whole night n day after. i guess in this case, it's not what u say, but what u don't... actions definitely speak louder than words. hah. to prove a point. he doesn't even knw amy, jamie n lyd's names to their faces. e only ones he knws is eugene, sean n shane. if tt doesn't say how involved he was with my clique of friends, i dn't knw wat else does. i realized he made e effort to hang out with jo, naidu n fir. hah! if thre's anyone he really made e effort to hang out with, it was fir. not sure why... but one thing for sure, fir will always be on MY side. *sigh* like i told jo, it's kinda like a no-win for him, e situation he's in. everyone of my friends will never speak out against me. it's not like they will cover my wrongs or anything, it's jst tt whn it ocmes to crunch time n he were to give them a call to ask for my info which they knw i want to be kept private... i knw i'm safe with me friends. i've got amazin' friends, n i'm absolutely thankful for them. but then agn, i don't believe tt anyone can say who's right or wrong in a r/s. in this case, lama wanted to steal me away frm e rest of e church ppl for too long... but i on the other hand, willingly let him. so there. who's right, who's wrong? i don't believe in clear cut black n white areas in r/s anymore. it's always a grey... but e consequences are clear. right now, i'm jst revelling in e freedom tt i've got now tt he's in pearce. i miss him, yes. but i'm really happy, in a sense whereby i feel like i've gained newfound freedom. Frreee! like i'm not shackled to him, n spending personal time with him now that he's in pearce. previously, he cld always say stuff like i jst wanna spend private time with u, cos i'm flying off soon... or simply cos he wanted to... n i always gave in based on e fact tt he was gonna be going overseas. now finally, i feel like i've got my long-lost freedom back. i've never believed that a couple shld lose their individual lives e moment they come together. i've always thot of couplehood as one where 2 seperate spheres coming together in this wonderful chemical reaction n joining up to give a whole new world to e couple... seperate yet united as one. n each time the couple meets, thre's tis amazin reaction. haha! all i can picture rite now are swilrling colours of pinks blue n green n swimming worlds... well then, come wat may. i knw tis a fantastic time to catch up with my friends, n myself above all. as for lama n i... i'll jst wait n see. i jst hope we'll grow together. hope. let's all be hopeful.