a Journey

e wisdom i've gleaned frm my daily commute on e mrt to espanol clase & beyond:
1) pls learn ur left frm ur right. keep left is not e same as standing on e right side of e escalator n expecting e ppl rushing for e mrt to hve e same twisted sense of direction as u. it jst doesn't wrk tt way.
2)it'd be nice if those in stilettoes cld watch where their pixels land. most toes don't take kindly to misplaced heels- witnessed a near catfight on e mrt. "ouch! *if looks cld kill, e entire carriage wld be dead* u stepped on me!"
3)balance is crucial to keep frm being stampeded at e CBD stops. e working crowd has jst as much sensory detection as bulls let loose when alighting frm e mrt: they do not see u. they only respond to e hands on e clock n e mile-long faces of their turnbull boss.
4) above all, each morning is a brand new day. let's try to greet each other with a smile... or at least good manners with an intact sense of direction n balance.

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with e truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserves. love never fails.

okie. this is it. this is the last time i'm going to put myself thru this torture. i will face up to reality. i'm caffeine intolerant. it is 2a.m in the morning... way past midnight... n i still can't get to sleep. why? *sigh* greedy me ate too much rotiboy. very smart of me considering tt it is a COFFEE n caramel bun specialty! in fact, it's popularity lies in e richness of coffee n caramel! guess if i can't even handle coffee buns, i can't handle nth... *sigh* well, i take comfort in e fact tt it's not tie guan yin i'm talking abt here. tt has like lethal out-of-this world caffeine overload. last i remembered... i was awake till 4a.m n up n running agn at 8a.m. talk abt intolerant. anyway, went dwn to gramaphone with papa today. *smiles* first visit to e store... n it was a sweet father-daughter bonding afternoon. haven't had tt in a really long time too. i guess with lama overseas... there'll be lots of time to do all e catching up i desperately ought to do! well, at least i'm smarter now. more aware. ooh, n i can see why jo loves gramaphone. it's quite nice really losing urself amidst all those titles n songs. found 'coffee n cigarettes'. promised myself tt i'll do a way better review on this than e one i did for 'requiem'. gdnes! tt was awful! horrendous! ewww. i cld smack myself! hve yet to watch e vcd.. but i'm really excited! hee! i feel so guilty cos i've a pile of 'sex n e city' dvds in my cupboard which lama burned for me.. tt i've yet to watch! *sorry baby!* but i'll get ard to it! don u fret... either tt or really spread e love among my gurls... *anyone who wants to borrow let me knw!*blushes* in the meantime: i will not touch caffeine. i will be nice to my body. i will try to be healthy. above all; i will not touch caffeine!

ahh... tis is e life. staying in n lazing ard on a bright, sunny Sunday. i jst realized tt i haven't done tis in a very long time... yup. mostly we (lama n i) used to stay in at his place, even then it was very very rare. simply cos i didn't feel at home in his dingy lil' bedroom. well, it's dingy only cos he likes to close e curtains n he's got tinted windows! i'm e sort tt needs to see sunshine n feel e sun in my room! otherwise i'll find e whole place too gloomy! n no, it's not cosy... dingy's more like it. i still remember how nauseous i felt aft watching 'requiem for a dream' in his room. seriously, i felt sick to e bottom of my stomach; like i'd been on e roller coaster multiple times n my stomach was jst churned upside dwn. cld be 'cos of e graphics too. but tt aside, it really was a great movie. i'll NEVER touch drugs ever. if i was wishy washy abt tt before, e movie jst cemented my stance tt i'll never do drugs. not even soft ones like weed or ice or ecstacy. actually, i heard tt u CAN get hanged for weed in spore... anyway, check out e official website for e movie. http://www.requiemforadream.com/ i love it. even though i felt seriously disturbed aft watching it, i think it's amazin as a movie. the themes of drug abuse... loneliness, well actually e need for family bonds... n e curse of addiction. if e movie wasn't so great, it's hve come across as preachy. but cos it was so well done, e themes speak for itself. so subtle yet so powerful. they jst seem to wrench its way into ur subconciousness n e graphics jst haunt u each time u think abt it. very gd way to reinforce themes i tell u. great cinematography!

thank you for ur subtle beauty. although they weren't exactly what i wanted, i knw there's a reason behind everything that happens. you will never play me out, because u love me too much. thank you for allowing me to see e light of ur actions. yes, they did help make e path clearer to me. still, it's not easy for me to accept those Cs, although i knw u r fair. i jst need ur strength n peace to get thru tis period... n wisdom in e choosing of my subjects for yr 2. it's not easy, but i still say thank you, because i knw it cld hve been so much worse. so even though it looks rubbish on e surface, i knw tt tis time ard, u really bailed me out. n yes, i've woken up. i'm more aware now. i've learnt. it'll be a struggle. but at least i'm aware of my priorities. thank you for e wisdom behind ur actions. thank you for ur unfailing love. u r an awesome God.

Life is not abt e beginning or e end... life is all abt e journey. so, i'm going to stop obsessing abt e fact tt he converted partly because of me; n tt he's a crap past record in e dating department. i'm going to focus on e fact tt he's got infinite patience with me; is willing to make unbelivable sacrifices jst to see me; loves me so madly n deeply; is willing to sacrifice his own personal comforts for me; provides for me every mth; n above all, is willing to put himself thru' hell n back for me. i knw lama has dodgy spots, but it's e journey of him growing as a person with me tt matters. not who he was, but who he is n will be.

yest was e 1st time in a long time i've been out with sean, ben n ern. wow. come to think abt it... it's been a yr n a half since i've been out with them! alone, tt is... without Lama. gdness. guess i've really been shutting myself off frm e rest of e world whn i was with him. *sigh* no pt regretting it tho... best to learn n move on with life. mister wise-guy (ern!) was right... it's time i decide wat exactly i want frm my r/s with Lama. wat do i want? then i realised thre n thn: he's e one i hope to end up with at e end of e day. BUT, problem is, i'm not willing to take him for all that he is now. sure, i love him. of cos i do. but although i love him, i cannot imagine living e rest of my life with him n all his present shortcomings. i'm talking abt his treatment n concept of his ex-es... it's not sth mundane n simple like him not capping e toothpaste or wat hve u! *sigh* n i knw it's silly to fall into e trap abt waiting for ppl to change for e better. a leopard can never change its spots. at e end of e day, he'll be e essentially e same. flirtatious, soft-hearted or jst plain oblivious. i haven't made up my mind yet. unfortunately, sometimes i think he alternates btw e 1st n 2nd. not very gd eh. *sigh* oh wells. but e one gd thing tt came out of yest, was e heart-to-heart chats i managed to hve with Fay n Ern. Fay gurL, u're like a Godsend. i'm not waiting; i'm in an on-going r/s! gurL, i love u loads! wat wld i do whn u're gone. i'm so sorry i didn't appreciate u more whn i had e chance to. if i cld do so many things over, i'd hve chosen to spend more time with u! *hugs* thank u for being such a dearie all these yrs!

y'knw wat i jst realised? mocha bunny is really quite insightful. was talking to her abt lama n i last night, n she really helped me to sum up all e problems in our r/s. really, i think e problem lies with 2 main things: the fact tt lama n i have been so shut off frm e rest of e world for so long... n another, is lama's maturity, or rather e ability to perceive n understand things. lama always never wanted to hang out w e rest of them aft service, he was all about wanting 'personal time' with me. n yes, amy, u're rite. it gets bloody suffocating aft some time. i got tired, i got drained frm having to fufil this substantial amt of obligation to him. i bet if i tell him this, he's gonna go, 'tt's not true, i always let u hve time with ur friends. all u had to do was ask.' yesh, u'd let me. but u'd have tt i've been abandoned by my gf look on ur face for e whole night n day after. i guess in this case, it's not what u say, but what u don't... actions definitely speak louder than words. hah. to prove a point. he doesn't even knw amy, jamie n lyd's names to their faces. e only ones he knws is eugene, sean n shane. if tt doesn't say how involved he was with my clique of friends, i dn't knw wat else does. i realized he made e effort to hang out with jo, naidu n fir. hah! if thre's anyone he really made e effort to hang out with, it was fir. not sure why... but one thing for sure, fir will always be on MY side. *sigh* like i told jo, it's kinda like a no-win for him, e situation he's in. everyone of my friends will never speak out against me. it's not like they will cover my wrongs or anything, it's jst tt whn it ocmes to crunch time n he were to give them a call to ask for my info which they knw i want to be kept private... i knw i'm safe with me friends. i've got amazin' friends, n i'm absolutely thankful for them. but then agn, i don't believe tt anyone can say who's right or wrong in a r/s. in this case, lama wanted to steal me away frm e rest of e church ppl for too long... but i on the other hand, willingly let him. so there. who's right, who's wrong? i don't believe in clear cut black n white areas in r/s anymore. it's always a grey... but e consequences are clear. right now, i'm jst revelling in e freedom tt i've got now tt he's in pearce. i miss him, yes. but i'm really happy, in a sense whereby i feel like i've gained newfound freedom. Frreee! like i'm not shackled to him, n spending personal time with him now that he's in pearce. previously, he cld always say stuff like i jst wanna spend private time with u, cos i'm flying off soon... or simply cos he wanted to... n i always gave in based on e fact tt he was gonna be going overseas. now finally, i feel like i've got my long-lost freedom back. i've never believed that a couple shld lose their individual lives e moment they come together. i've always thot of couplehood as one where 2 seperate spheres coming together in this wonderful chemical reaction n joining up to give a whole new world to e couple... seperate yet united as one. n each time the couple meets, thre's tis amazin reaction. haha! all i can picture rite now are swilrling colours of pinks blue n green n swimming worlds... well then, come wat may. i knw tis a fantastic time to catch up with my friends, n myself above all. as for lama n i... i'll jst wait n see. i jst hope we'll grow together. hope. let's all be hopeful.

it feels really weird to be bk in e pseudo single world. i guess it's becos i've been spending so much time with him in preparation for tis 10 mths stint (tt kept getting postponed!). i thot waiting for him to go was like living in limbo. i thot wrong. it is waiting for him to come bk which is e limbo period! *sigh* i mean, i guess whn he was ard... i jst lived for e moment without thinking too much abt e future, or e fact tt he was gonna go for 10 mths straight. well, maybe 6 mths if u consider e wk break he gets in dec. well watever. i jst feel frustrated n cheated. well i felt tt way e night he left. cos i realised tt he's been thru tis long dist r/s hell hole before. i jst felt tt he wasn't being totally honest with me. i mean, he had past references which i cld hve used as a rough gauge... but somehow he jst didn't say. but on e flip side, i guess it was always for like 1.5 mths at most. oh wells. haha. but it was funny e way i jst completely swung frm sad to angry. it was like one moment i'm sme weeping banshee that can't talk on e phone n e nxt moment i'm like all cold n logical saying, okie, i guess it mst be better if u sleep now. bah! i jst felt so cheated at tt point in time!!! but i think adeline (roy's gf) was rite... friends really do help. i'm not sure abt e travelling part yet but i sure hope we do make tt trip to melaka. haha. think sean k n ern might go crazy with me in e car! i'll prob jst alternate b/w yakking n sleeping! haha! wat a terrible travelling companion! oh wells! anyway, jst got off e phone with dh. he feels like dh now, not lama. i don't knw how to explain it properly... but lama was mine, unique to me. dh was e friend tt i knew. e gd n e bad. i guess wat i'm trying to say then is tt i see him more clearly now... his flaws n his plus points. it's no longer e way where i cld jst gloss over e flaws. i guess e ultimate test now wld be for me to ACCEPT e flaws. *sigh* how screwed up m i. i had to wait for him to leave before i reached tis point of clarity. oh wells. better now than never. like i told jo last nite, i'd rather be in e knw than be ignorant. ignorance may be bliss... but i'd rather sth real than sth superficial. but at e end of it all, i feel really blessed with e friends tt i have. really, i feel so touched by their care n concern for me! u all are e absolute sweeties! *hugs* it is becos i have them, i knw tt i'll be able to carry on with my life, come what may. my life does not revolve ard dh, simply becos, it'd be sheer stupidty if i chose to let tt happen. u all are too too good to give up for any one person! n Naidu, if u do hve a funeral, i will go. not to gloat but cos i miss ya n i appreciate u! *smilez*