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22/03/2006
Listen.
I believed once, not too long ago, in a future of us. I saw the world in the colours you painted it. I believed. I did. I loved, with everything I had. I gave it my all. I loved. I loved so much, more than I realised, till now.
But I now know that this was just a phase in this thing I call LIFE. You ask me why I can't adapt the 'new' me to us. This isn't a new me. This is me. I am a culmination of everything. I can't detach a part of me and try to fit it into something else. Why? Because to do so would require me to deny a part of whom I am.
I realise now that happiness, true happiness is bought with tears and sheer agony. I know now that as I sit here, remembering all the times we went through, all our promises, all our hopes ( I can actually see us still on all those times we spent together), I must close this chapter. Even as the tears fall, I know that LIFE was never meant to be easy. Even if I can barely breathe. Even if I spend the night awake just remembering. Even if I spend the night reeling from the back lash. Even if I curl into nothingness. Even if I wish I could take the easy way out. Even if I still see us, and all that we were. Even if I think the pain won’t ever go away now.
Even if.
"Above all else to thine own self be true"
And suddenly I remembered how you used to ask me why I never mentioned you in this blog. Ironic how LIFE is. And suddenly I wish I could pick up the phone to call you. But I can't and won't cos it won't be fair. Suddenly the memories come back, and the ironies. The ironies. If only I could say it all clearer. If only. If only you could understand me. If only.
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Comments
i never did understand u as well as i would have liked cos u kept everything close to your heart. choosin to confide in others, maybe, but definitely not me. the colours i painted, u foolishly thot i did alone. truth was, YOU were there painting with me, side by side, stroke for stroke. i like the new you. i do. thing is, you could have grown when we were tog but u restricted yourself. u didn't. too focused on us or the secluded life we lead i don't know. or rather, circumstances did not permit. true, things would have been difficult, strained even, but at least we would have been communicating, growin tog as a couple and individuals.
remember how i use to say we were 2 cirlces comin tog, intersecting at the centre? it was possible. being part of something yet being true to oneself. yeah it will take hardwork and tremedous effort, but isn't life like this? nothing in life worth havin comes easy i like to say. but now u no longer love, i guess it was not meant to be.
i will always care for u. i will always love u. you are not just a passing person in my life. u came, u left your imprint, hard, and i will forever thank u for giving me amazing n unforgettable memories.
Ironic how i knew more about your thots and the person inside this last few encounters then the entire of our last year tog. but i guess thats life. take care phie.
your friend always.
Posted by: lama | 22/03/2006
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