a Journey

I realise that all it takes, is for me to look hard enough to find the rainbows in life. Like for instance, during our more than 3000 word essay editing just now, Marianne came up with the most amazing random thoughts.

M: What do you call someone who killed the Coco Pops monkey, the Kellogs frosties tiger and the Froot Loops bird?

Me: Eh, a murderer?

M: No! A cereal killer!

A short while later...

M: What do you get when your mother-in-law drives your Rolls Royce off the slope?

Me: Return of the dead?

M: No! Mixed feelings? Get it?

So I say, just look hard enough. :)

Like, when you tell your bestest friend and god-brother how low and overwhelmed you're feeling.. and they react in the most adorable protective way ever... and you know that come what may, you're going to be okie. Just fine. :)

My International Relations (IR) tutor was explaining what theories was: "A framework to help people understand reality..." I tuned out after that as I was suddenly reminded about my own theory regarding the break-up.

We were just not meant to be. Suddenly, all those "irreconcilable differences" and "incompatabilty" reasons I used to read and poo-poo(ed) in gossip magazines *blush* made sense to me! Different styles of loving. If two people express and identify different actions and words as love, it doesn't matter if the two persons love each other. Why? Cos they won't be able to feel the love! Sometimes I wonder, maybe, love is enough. Only if the two persons feel the love. Otherwise, it's as good as being absent.

As I talked to him last night, I realised that the one thing that hurt the most, out of everything--the break up, the anger, the frutrations, the broken dreams--was the loss of a friend. A long time ago, I had a best guy friend. Someone I could just chill-with at odd hours, and do crazy things like reverse bungee twice in a day. Well, that someone is now gone. That is what hurts. I lost a friend who was once my soul mate. Now, I don't even know the voice on the phone. He's like a stranger. And I mourn, for the lost of Lama, of my friend.

My question of the day: What characteristics of a boyfriend appeals to my dad?

It's always intrigued me the way my dad liked DH so much. I hope it has to do with more than the fact that they were from the same alumni. I really hope so. I would like to think my past r/s has more to offer than just alumni bonding! ><

I just told Papa about my breakup. It amazed me the way he said: "It's your decision at the end of the day."

Perhaps this was another sign of me coming into my own being? Me becoming an adult in the eyes of my dad, gaining respect as an equal?

I believed once, not too long ago, in a future of us. I saw the world in the colours you painted it. I believed. I did. I loved, with everything I had. I gave it my all. I loved. I loved so much, more than I realised, till now.

But I now know that  this was just a phase in this thing I call LIFE. You ask me why I can't adapt the 'new' me to us. This isn't a new me. This is me. I am a culmination of everything. I can't detach a part of me and try to fit it into something else. Why? Because to do so would require me to deny a part of whom I am.

I realise now that happiness, true happiness is bought with tears and sheer agony. I know now that as I sit here, remembering all the times we went through, all our promises, all our hopes ( I can actually see us still on all those times we spent together), I must close this chapter. Even as the tears fall, I know that LIFE was never meant to be easy. Even if I can barely breathe. Even if I spend the night awake just remembering. Even if I spend the night reeling from the back lash. Even if I curl into nothingness. Even if I wish I could take the easy way out. Even if I still see us, and all that we were. Even if I think the pain won’t ever go away now.

Even if.

"Above all else to thine own self be true"

And suddenly I remembered how you used to ask me why I never mentioned you in this blog. Ironic how LIFE is. And suddenly I wish I could pick up the phone to call you. But I can't and won't cos it won't be fair. Suddenly the memories come back, and the ironies. The ironies. If only I could say it all clearer. If only. If only you could understand me. If only.

I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything’s a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Yeah, yeah.. Oh!

Why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yeah yeah yeah...yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I!

I'm with you!
I'm with you!

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I!

I'm with you!
I'm with you!

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I,
I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you

Lyrics courtesy of Avril Lavigne.

I was alone and fallen and no one was there to help me stand; or so I thought. Time has shown me otherwise. Life has once again moved on bringing me with it. New perspectives, new challenges, new footsteps have entered my life and I am revelling in the present, in the now.

But the past remains, dear and treasured in my heart.

I am a culmination of my past, my present, and the future that has yet to happen. I cannot stay in the past and try to live in my present as a relic of yesterday. Life calls for adaption, for change, for growth. That is why we have memories, to remember where we came from as we move on to life's present.

Love, is an action-- we feel love because of what we do for others, and we in turn feel loved because of what others do for us.

Why do we love? I wish I knew.

In some ways, I love for shallow causes, much like most Hollywood movies portray: 

I've loved because he's 'oh-so-hot' and I liked the ego boost of being noticed and wooed out of all the possible choices he had. I've loved because I want to feel better than the rest. I've loved because I like the feeling of being loved; the pampering really isn't that hard to get accustomed to. I've loved because it is convenient to and it would mean more company anyway.

I've loved for all those reasons.

And yet, I've also loved, without wanting anything in return for myself. I've loved because I met people who touched me with love so great and almost unconditional, I couldn't help but love them back. I've loved, wishing and trying my best to give all that I could, just so I could give happiness, no matter how brief a time. I have put my heart on the line, knowing I could get hurt, but still chose to love.

I've loved for these reasons. And I want to love more this way.

*sigh*

So many times I tell myself that everyone's as worthy as the next person. But last night, I've learnt that in the face of rudeness, love and so many other noble things just gets flushed down the chute.

Rudeness and respect: they are anti-thesis of each other. How can I learn to respect those who are rude to me? I am a firm believer that respect must be earned, and is never given without trial. I really wished that I could find a way in me to respect those who're nonchalant and flippant about their behaviour towards others. The sheer rudeness, for the fact that I don't react. That I choose not to react.

It will be tough. But I believe in doing to others what I want others to do to me. Even if they don't end up treating me with the same respect, I will not fall to their level of rudeness and masquerade it as civil, excusable behaviour. I will not fall. Even if it means forcing myself to act respectfully, I will do so, simply because "my mama taught me better than that." (Kudos to Destiny's Child)