a Journey

What excuse does the clubbing environment offer to guys? Perhaps the cover of darkness and the stupifying effect of alcohol to behave in an ungentlemanly manner. (UNgentlemanly is but a euphemism for roving hands and pervy thoughts)

Do guys feel a need to mark territory in the face of fellow competitors? Perhaps some feel an inate doggy instinct to pee/mark every plant in sight.

Why do some gloss over the truth of events that have happened? Perhaps the reality of the truth is too much for them to handle.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps, these are reasons (excuses) enough for other girls, but not for me.

The thoughts of my mind always get a voice, whilst the truths of my heart is but a lead ball that sinks to silence -- within me.

When Aunty Jenny passed away I realized that life is a gift. The good, the bad, the ugly. As I watched her struggle with her cancer, as I saw her try to embrace the embers of life that had so suddenly be extingushed, I made the promise to myself. When I kissed her goodbye, I knew I was being given a second chance I don't want to squander. Life is a gift, a chance, a song I want to live with love and dignity.

What do I want from life? This is a good question, Shifu. I don't realy know... Perhaps I am learning the wrong way. To learn from elimination.

I am sorry for the hurt that I've caused. I am, because I have learnt to treasure people.

Because, I don't have the right to say who matters, or not.

I have learnt the importance of being able to look myself in the mirror and say I can live with the person I see. That he makes me try to be a better person. I want to see more than one side to the prism of life... I want to embrace all that life is. To have new truths and perceptions revealed to me is a precious experience that stability cannot buy.

Above all, I've learnt the fact that I am but a pawn in the greater scheme of things. I am but nobody. I cannot control people's beliefs or perceptions. The behavior of a person is so easy to alter, but the mind is a fortress of its own.

Perhaps I am setting myself up for a broken heart? I don't know yet. But I don't want to live in fear and miss out on life.

So as I continue to ride out the waves that Life has decided to deal me, I will be cleansed and battered, but I will surface.

I'm talking typhoons, hurricanes, and tropical rainstorms category 10, type of rain here. It never rains but it pours. Lately, it seems as though my life has become one big cliche after another. Well, I am exaggerating. But, it feels that way.

I am overwhelmed by the dratted exams that seems bent on proving to me how much of a dunce I can be. How inadequate I am for this level of academia. Everytime I try to tell people how scared I am, how unprepared I feel, I get comforted with the, "You're smart enough." or "I've faith in you." Ironically, this only makes the pill all the more bitter. All these expectations, and assumptions, or should I say faith in abilities which I cannot see. I know they're meant to give hope, strength. In reality, they don't. I only feel pressured to perform up to some expectation which I cannot fulfil. Not this time around anyways. Sometimes, all I want, all I need, is a bear hug.

It's at times like this, in the wee hours of the morning, in the silence that I seem to find repreive and desolation all at the same time. I am soothed by the silence, confronted by the harsh realities of my decisions. In a wave that engulfs me, this is the me that tries to come up for air to breathe. I am drowned and cleansed all at once.

After talking about which plane tickets to get for Melbourne (most probably Quantas again) with Papa last night, this kept ringing in my head. "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

The grass will always seem greener on the other side until I actually go over to the other side and check it out for myself. What I fear is that in the process of wanting to go over to the other side, I'll lose side of what's precious right in front of me. Most of all, I worry about leaving behind my brothers, my friends who've guided me along the way: my signposts, my lessons, my pillars. (If there's anything this past few months have taught me, I've learnt to use to word  "friend" a lot more cautiously now. So many I thought were my "friends" I now question. All those times I miscalculated my standing with them, I know better now)

Suddenly, I can actually start dreaming dreams of working and living overseas and it makes me wonder to myself, am I overlooking anything here?

p.s. Shoutout to Shifu letting me know you care! :) And another shoutout for the Sweetie who gave me my plush dog. I LiKe. ;)

Food poisoning, once again. Actually, it's not even food poisoning. It's something in my gut that just won't let me indulge... I can't take oily food. I can't eat fried fish with anything remotely oily-spicy without falling ghastly sick for the next 2 days.

The birthday celebration at Fish & Co. was of piles and piles of seafood. Fried, greasy seafood to be exact. And the very night itself, I had cramps similar to the ones I had before. Before: When he and I went to eat yummy oily stingray at the Lagoon... and I ended up being rushed to A&E... and earned myself a new nickname from him.

So many random thots, so many considerations. I just wish I could break free from them all. If I even begin to list them out, I don't know if I can ever find sweet slumber again. For tonight at least.

But I know. I chose to walk this path.

I can't wait for Fir to get back here. No matter how short a period in time, at least I'll have my brother back. For awhile. To buy some time.