a Journey

Just for now I'll weep. The tears are mine.

My pain, frustrations, disappointments, disgust, anger, regrets.

My regrets.

I don't recognize myself;

the choking sounds of hurt.

I didn't know it was me.

I play my song to me, a song I tried to express to you.

But as usual, I couldn't make you understand.

Songs that never used to strike a chord with me

"Too tragic, too painful"

Why must I be able to empathise with them now?!

Why?!

I take refuge in the only place that doesn't have you;

the only place you haven't been to.

A last stronghold. My crumbled fort.

I don't know myself. I don't. I don't know anything anymore.

Stuck. Wishing you were here. Yet I know I shouldn't try.

There was once I tried. I fell. You pushed me away.

This is what you were, are capable of.

You can push me away, turn your back. Your one-up.

My downfall was allowing myself that one concession.

Damn ME.

It is true you can choose who you want to love, but the power is taken out of your hands once you've made the decision.

My refuge from all that reality is now. And suddenly I remember the resservoir; our conversation. How I didn't want to be just another library book. Do you remember? I wish I knew the answer.

Alone, I can drop the pretences. I can cry. I can mourn. I can wallow in the pain thumping within me.

For now, right here at this moment, I shall allow my heart that concession. The weakness to weep and acknowledge my pain. Alone, I can be me. Behind locked doors, I can curl into a ball and cry. I can cry. Finally. I can cry.