a Journey

"Girls are happiest when they are daughters at home." Perhaps. Maybe the happiness stems from the security. The gurantee of love; parents can't exactly change their mind on you being their daughter overnight.

At least not the way lovers decide that a present-lover has suddenly been demoted to the ex-lover status.

Perhaps this is what was meant: Security. Basking in the love of a surety.

I crave, to trust.  

"I know now that there is an end."

"You look so sad saying it."

"I want to believe otherwise."

So long ago, do you even remember this? How could we have fallen so far from grace? Ex-roomies. I wish it could have all been different.

"Phie, a leopard never changes its spots."

I loved.

Suddenly, I see answers even though I wasn't looking for them.

Moving out. It's a miracle how the timings fit. I really hope we get the apartment. Independence. Own personal bubble: Am I becoming anti-social? ;) Love my darlings too much for that.

But the breath of fresh air, it is addictive.

A runaway month. To recharge, remember, learn and plan.

"Wo men zhang da le." Yes, you're right dearie.

See you soon. My friends, my family, my pillars, my halfway house. :)

"Maybe the lesson you have to learn is to love without expecting anything in return."

So wise, so true. Thank you.

 3 tourists arrived at Earthworm Jim's airport one balmy afternoon and boarded a taxi. They told the driver the hotel they were booked into and half an hour later, they found themselves staring at a rather dingy looking building.

The driver turned around and said: "The hotel you want to go to burned down yesterday. This is my cousin's hotel, he can put you up for the night." The 3 tourists trooped out of the bumpy ol' taxi and were checked into a single room with a single queen sized bed. Naturally, they could only wish that the morning came faster as they tried to fall asleep in the tiny cubicle.

The next morning whilst sightseeing, they saw a very familiar building. Taking out their travel brochure, they realised the building was none other than the one that was supposed to have burnt down 2 days ago.

"Interesting," they shrugged.

As they made their way home the next afternoon, they were informed that their plane had been delayed. However, they would be put up at a hotel. The hotel turned out to be the one that was supposed to have burnt down. 

"Mmm," they thought.

Lurching through the potholed streets of Earthworm Jim, one of the tourists suddenly quipped: "Maybe we should just seek refuge with the S*ore embassy." 

In the wee hours of the morning, they were informed that there was a flight out, would they want to take it?

The 3 tourists bolted for the checkout counter.

p.s. names have been changed for privacy/respect... mmm.. to prevent over-generalization of the aforementioned country.

Perhaps. Because. This is. Love.

My heart wept.

Deed's done. I walked my talk. For the first time ever. It was a quiet, respectful and honest affair. Finally.

I am happy to say that I was so calm. Calm is indeed a very lovely, refreshing, invigorating change to all that has happened. Things are indeed looking up. Or maybe I'm just getting off my butt and taking more initiative.

But, seriously, break-ups are really very draining affairs. Were we ever together to begin with? "Break-up" for lack of a better word and for easier understanding.

Maybe that's why it was always easier to do it any other way. Anything BUT face-to-face. Emotional drainage. Feels that way. *plops down on sofa* Happy-tired.

Of all things to be happy-tired about!  

Everyone seems to be flying off somewhere this hols. Europe, LA, HK... Melbourne! :) I guess everyone needs a break.

Sometimes, I find it inevitable that we are protective of those we love. Even if they've always been the one protecting us, watching over us, when push comes to shove, you (I) worry for their potential heartbreak.

I am NOT underestimating my darlings' abilities to look after themselves. But I am just worried. Cos I care.

Surviving on 8 hours of sleep for 2 days is not exactly the best feeling in the world. It's like a beer buzz sans the added acuteness of your senses; more like the dulling of the senses actually.

Late night chill out sesh with the darlings have been funny/head-smacking/endearing/silly! :) I LikE. But I need my sleep!

I realize peeps tend to form impressions fairly quickly. Like how 3 drinking occasions = Phie is a alcoholic. Or 2 crazy nights at Mambo = Phie is out-of-control. MmmM. Oh wells. It's normal, I guess. Is it?

Bikini party coming up on June 10. If this isn't a fantastic motivation to exercise I don't know what is anymore.

Sleepy. sleepy, sleepy. Darn construction works driving me crazy. Starts like clockwork at 8a.m every morning!

Who to inform should I die? This of course is said with regards to the lovely card posted by the National Organs peeps. Maybe I should get the details of those who'd rather I'm not around (i.e. dead). At least I can make one more person happy. -hehehe- Twisted, I know.

p.s. if this isn't a random post, I don't know what is.

It is 2:40a.m. in the morning. I have just bought the tickets to Melbourne. A month alone. A month of intense growing into the ME I've always wondered about. A month of living overseas without the parents. I am overwhelmed suddenly. Happy. Exhilarated. Ecstatic. Scared. Cautious. Paranoid. Mostly excited & scared. It's a big world out there. It'll be in the heart of winter. I'll be with Fir&Fay co.

Shoutout to Fir: Thanks for picking me up at 5a.m. in the morning. Victoria Market with me yeah! ;) *twirls you around the room with me*

Muacks to Fay: We've lots to catch up on. Be strong for me, be my yin & yang now when I need my best friend (YOU) to be that way for me. Lurve you gurl. *hugs*

I will miss you darlings.

And I wonder if that could have been me, and then I feel this sadness, this freedom, this excitement, this fear. I breathe and I see light. I breathe and I take in the strength I wish the air might possess. A promise, a dream, a chance. To grasp, to hold, to treasure. I will revel, savour, relish.

1 February 2011. The Big Splash car park where we stole our sand. 5p.m.

Would the memory still be a sanctuary in time to come?

It will for me.

Just for now I'll weep. The tears are mine.

My pain, frustrations, disappointments, disgust, anger, regrets.

My regrets.

I don't recognize myself;

the choking sounds of hurt.

I didn't know it was me.

I play my song to me, a song I tried to express to you.

But as usual, I couldn't make you understand.

Songs that never used to strike a chord with me

"Too tragic, too painful"

Why must I be able to empathise with them now?!

Why?!

I take refuge in the only place that doesn't have you;

the only place you haven't been to.

A last stronghold. My crumbled fort.

I don't know myself. I don't. I don't know anything anymore.

Stuck. Wishing you were here. Yet I know I shouldn't try.

There was once I tried. I fell. You pushed me away.

This is what you were, are capable of.

You can push me away, turn your back. Your one-up.

My downfall was allowing myself that one concession.

Damn ME.

It is true you can choose who you want to love, but the power is taken out of your hands once you've made the decision.

My refuge from all that reality is now. And suddenly I remember the resservoir; our conversation. How I didn't want to be just another library book. Do you remember? I wish I knew the answer.

Alone, I can drop the pretences. I can cry. I can mourn. I can wallow in the pain thumping within me.

For now, right here at this moment, I shall allow my heart that concession. The weakness to weep and acknowledge my pain. Alone, I can be me. Behind locked doors, I can curl into a ball and cry. I can cry. Finally. I can cry.

My mind's sluice gates, my only fort.

Collapsed, under the deluge of memories,

That should have burned

Like oil on water.

The victory of a craving, a weakness. My addiction.

The choice to fall. My damnation.

I've ripped apart the bandages that held me together.

Dismembered now, with hands festering and blistered.

O God what have I done?

The clash of black and white,

my mind and heart

hissing and spitting at each other.

The war of the two is a grey.

A grey of bleakness,

A grey of lightness.

Of despair, of hope.

A grey that permeates every fiber of me

and haunts my days.

Therein lies an angry abyss

Churning,

Devouring,

All that I was. All that I am.

An abyss of escape,

from me.

You played with my heart

You played with my mind

But I miss you finally

Right from the start

My love made me blind... ...

Darn the NTUC emo songs. This is why supermarkets and me don't mesh well.