a Journey

I've a list of names on my MSN. Names that were supposed to have memories of shared moments and a bond that comes from intimacy -- from knowing the person.

When I look through the names, I see a faceless mass of words. I feel cold. A cold that comes from being in a room of strangers. Strangers. Who would have thought that those we once called friend would now be a shell of the person we remembered them to be.

As I go through the list of 104 names, I think back to those who've passed through my life.

Some names make me remember warm sultry days of coffee-stained tables. I smile at the humid, hot afternoons at the study benches where we gossipped and lunched more than we worked. Days when we sneaked out of lecture halls to share the latest updates; to giggle and forget the endless stretch of assignments and deadlines. I remember take-away pizzas which helped to ease the all-nighters we had to pull during "hell week" in school. Then, we thought that luxury  was pizza and lasagna. Those names that were there with me through the madness of freshman year, I am glad they've entered my life.

Other names make me gasp when I think that a decade has passed since the days of MIRC. Intertwined lives of laughter, dreams shared, their achievements that have made me so proud of them. Names of friendship and love that helped me up and held my hand after I fell. Names that have the patience to walk my baby steps with me as I fall along the way. These are the names that keep me warm during the winter wind.

Sadly, there are the names of disappointment. Those whom I had hoped for so much from, only to find that they fell so short. Names who once made me catch my breath and stop short in my tracks because my heart was beating so hard; only to have me recoil from the mere mention of them today. Perhaps I saw an illusion or a biased rose-tinted version of who they were, or are, as a person. Tears, sleepless nights, frustrations, I treasure the lessons that they've taught me, cos I wouldn't have learnt otherwise.

But the time has come for an msn of names, not faceless shells.