a Journey

Updates, updates! :) Twas' was a heart-warming day!  

1. Today was supposed to be a massive shopping day, with supposed being the key word here. After all, I thought to myself, "if I'm going to drive for half an hour to the suburbs, I might as well make full use of that trip." In other words, I might as well spend more than what the petrol costs, to make the trip out justified. :) Instead, I'm just more giddy than ever with the abundance and potential of the shopping here. My appetite has not been satiated. I really hope I don't have to sell my clothes off to Salvation Army just to make the weight limit on my luggage! :P
2. "Isn't that So*phie?!" I turned and found myself face-to-face with Ern and Zhengxin! Yes, my world is pretty darn small. But all of a sudden, I don't care. I love everyone and everything. :) Even if this includes gossip from random strangers, vicious stories about my partying/wild/dating/put whatever you want here "phase" and frequent guest freakshow apperances in my daily life, I don't care. Cos all of them are part of this package which allows me to bump into peeps I haven't seen in half a year in the biggest shopping centre in the suburbs of Melbourne! :) Imagine the odds?!
3. Managed to make it for the Superman premerie tonight at Hoyts in the city. This is the second movie in 3 days and I know it's extravagant with each ticket priced at A$15...*guilty* but... hey. :P Digression aside, this is the best Superman I've ever watched. Bryan Singer did a fantastic job with the comic, and I absolutly love the nuances of the film. Who says Hollywood always needs a "happily-ever-after"? I think we all know that Disney doesn't exist like we were taught, but Superman made me realise, love is enough to conquer all. :)
4. Adam Sandler's latest movie "Click" made me cry like I haven't cried in a really, really, really, long time. Thank goodness for the lights out policy in the cinema. It reminded me of choices that we must make in life. I don't like the saying, 'You can't have your cake and eat it' cos I feel it has such a negative connation to it. I think it's more like, love what you love without any hesistation. If so, the choices would not be easier, but clearer, I think.
5. My tummy hurts from all the laughing I've been doing. Like tonight for instance, I was giggling and stopping by the sides of the street cos Fir was making me laugh so hard. Mmm, I do laugh a lot here. I am happy, happier - perhaps- here. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. I laugh out loud here, cos I am so carefree and happy, it's unbelievable.
6. I'm going to Tab for the 1st time to place my bet on Argentina tomorrow. :) Well, I'm footie betting for the first time! *whee*

It's 3a.m here, and I've a breakfast and lunch appointment tomorrow. Uh-oh. :P Peace out!

I've a list of names on my MSN. Names that were supposed to have memories of shared moments and a bond that comes from intimacy -- from knowing the person.

When I look through the names, I see a faceless mass of words. I feel cold. A cold that comes from being in a room of strangers. Strangers. Who would have thought that those we once called friend would now be a shell of the person we remembered them to be.

As I go through the list of 104 names, I think back to those who've passed through my life.

Some names make me remember warm sultry days of coffee-stained tables. I smile at the humid, hot afternoons at the study benches where we gossipped and lunched more than we worked. Days when we sneaked out of lecture halls to share the latest updates; to giggle and forget the endless stretch of assignments and deadlines. I remember take-away pizzas which helped to ease the all-nighters we had to pull during "hell week" in school. Then, we thought that luxury  was pizza and lasagna. Those names that were there with me through the madness of freshman year, I am glad they've entered my life.

Other names make me gasp when I think that a decade has passed since the days of MIRC. Intertwined lives of laughter, dreams shared, their achievements that have made me so proud of them. Names of friendship and love that helped me up and held my hand after I fell. Names that have the patience to walk my baby steps with me as I fall along the way. These are the names that keep me warm during the winter wind.

Sadly, there are the names of disappointment. Those whom I had hoped for so much from, only to find that they fell so short. Names who once made me catch my breath and stop short in my tracks because my heart was beating so hard; only to have me recoil from the mere mention of them today. Perhaps I saw an illusion or a biased rose-tinted version of who they were, or are, as a person. Tears, sleepless nights, frustrations, I treasure the lessons that they've taught me, cos I wouldn't have learnt otherwise.

But the time has come for an msn of names, not faceless shells.

triple-espresso, the start of my coffee addiction. My craving for warm, comforting chocolate crepe filled with chocolate ice cream, brought me a new addiction. A perfect match of suga & roasted coffee beans. A childhood love story of a girl's budding love, the easy converation and the trust she had.

kopi-o-kosong, my first venture into local coffee, made in Singapore. Sunday mornings at Killineys, our time then. Sticky kaya toast, the bright yellow of poached egg yolks, all washed down with a good cuppa. Snug and warm in the moment of a lazy Sunday, in the security and bliss of contented love, I saw forever then as I peeped over the rim of my cup. The coffee aroma was the song of bliss that I sang in my heart.

cafe au lait. I am a coffee fiend. 'Welcome to the club,' so said Nai*du the coffee cult master. I screeched with horror, she laughed with knwoledge. We became fellow coffee fiends. We watched the working crowd scurry past and wondered when it would be our turn; then turned back to the milky coffee and gave thanks we were free for the day. Staring at cars that sped by us beyond our glass-paned cosiness, I froze the feel of the sofas, the warmth from the cup and the sound of the blending machine in my mind. I learnt about happiness that filtered from a listening ear and a sound heart that knew how to give advice even if it hurt, at first. I discovered sisterhood.

kopi-gao, I was taught by dearie Ch*ang. If there was anything the uncle at canteen 3 did right, he made a good cuppa. A cuppa good enough to make sleep-deprived mornings and long sultry afternoons, sometimes never-ending nights all the more bearable. A cuppa to help us last days when we taught there wasn't any fuel left in our tank. A cuppa that brewed friendship.

cappucinno, like the chic babes do. Studying, sketching, writing amidst wood-panelled 'Bucks with fellow panicked muggers. What warmed me went beyond the lovely soothing cuppa. I remained afloat from the strength drawn from encouraging words: From the faith in abilities I could not see. I wanted to be like the chic babes who bought the cuppa, wanted to play pretend grown-up. In the end, I learnt to add cinnamon powder to the foam and drink the cuppa with great company instead.

kopi, with buttered toast and kaya, a choice pairing. The simplicity, because of the flavours: salty, sweet and strong coffee all at once, my favourite spot nowadays: because I feel like this is the best place to be on a sultry day in Singapore. Actually, because: this is me, for now :)

1. Chance meetings that made the stars shine brighter this evening ;)
2. Fireworks! *twirls* With ambience music (from the teh tarik uncle's radio) & seeing the sky light up thru' the trees.
3. Sakae, mudpie, brownie, teh halia from Arab, nasi padang, tong sui... lovely food trail.
4. darlings *muacks*
5. Living in the moment of everything :)

If it wasn't for the month in Melbourne, I probably would never have worked at all till internship semester next year.

I would never have tried that stint at Coffee Club Express, and have my mum's reiteration of 'butter fingers' come back to haunt me. I would never have realised just how expensive brownies and sandwiches at Coffee Club are, until I realised that eating there would have cost me my day's wages. And I learnt that cheesecakes are very delicate things that should never be moved at all from their trays unless you're very sure of where and how it should look in the display case. Otherwise, you might just have to end up eating 2 slices on your own as lunch and tea. ;) And that walnut decor atop the brownie, don't forget to look out for it as you're arranging the display case. Cos those walnuts, they fall off quite easily. I would know.

Desperation for a faster source of income saw me turn to tuition. I used to be afraid of kids. Actually, I just rather not have had anything to do with them. It was so bad, I once voulnteered to carry the dog whilst someone else carry the child. Anyway, I'm now teacher to a 9, 12 and 13 year old. I think many would actually venture the word 'miracle'. I think I could agree.

If it wasn't for the recent psycho case, I would never have appreciated the fact that my dad waits up for me to return from partying. Having a psycho stalker incident does a lot for you in terms of the relationships you have with people, besides the emo/mental turmoil you initially go through, obviously.

I used to loathe the fact that my dad was waiting up for me (whenever he's in Singapore, that is) whilst I partied cos my conscience nagged at me that he was watching Hindi movies just so he could open the door for me, in case of crazy people who were following me home. My reaction? 'Pa, you're paranoid.'

Today, I say 'Thanks Pa, goodnight.'

My friends have proven their love for me time and again during the initial period when I was scared. I've been sent home by my gurls who went out of their way, just so they knew I was home safe. *hugs* What more could I ask for? Thank you darlings. I've had friends who went home to get the car just so they could send me home at unearthly hours of the morning. *touched* Those who brought me out just to get the load off my mind, who accompanied me through my whining and mood swings, I salute your patience. ;)

If it wasn't for accounting class, I would not have been as determined as I am now, never to screw up my choice of subjects again. I am not skipping any math related class from henceforth, cos, I'd just be digging my own grave. Deep grave. In other words. I'm not so cocky about my 'catch-up' abilites anymore. Accounting has humbled me. I don't want to say I won't ever skip classes again, cos I'm not exactly Saint Sophi*e. But, I'll be trying, for all that it's worth. 

-accounting dunce-

If I didn't make the effort to catch up with so many old friends, I would have a lost a part of me that is essential to keeping me rooted. Re-connecting with all who were abandoned during the past 2 years is so cathartic, uplifting and oddly familiar and unfamiliar all at once. But it isn't disjointment I'm feeling. I'm just visiting to see if I can stay. :) And what really warms me and makes me want to cry (I cry when I'm touched. I think I'm a closet crybaby.) is that I still have a place reserved for me in their lives.

The beauty of being able to communicate & connect

with those who are able to gain an insight to the true you.

The freedom you feel when you see the world from a new lens.

Yesterday, I think my laughter said it all.

I remember laughing that way once,

But honestly, it's been too long.

To laugh

so freely, so innocently.

Happiness in song,

that was my laughter.

The lil' girl who was genuinely carefree.

________________________________________________________

Heart-to-heart talks,

sinful brownies,

warming soup,

Friendship.

Beer-highs,

suga-highs,

exclamations which came at the wrong time.

Too loud.

Blackmail worthy moments,

Guffaws.

Giggles.

Trading of stories.

Shifu, you rawk. :)

Today, I chose to...

Smile. :)

Give hope. I wanted to tell the auntie that although life may be hard, she loved her husband. Just that she didn't realise it. Instead, I said the one truth that has sustained me all this time: "Everything happens for a reason." I patted her hand, and hoped that she could take comfort in my touch, although I was just a stranger.

Believe. I chose to make small talk like I usually do overseas, because, I wanted to give Singaporeans a chance. It stung a little when she asked me if I was local. I smiled and assured her, that I was. That we can be warm as a people too.

Comfort. We're both in the same boat. *hugs* It hurts, and we fall. I've fallen so many times, but gurl, it gets easier to pick yourself up after awhile. No one said doing what is right would be easy. I can only think of the phrase in Mandarin "pin ming". But I want us to look back and be proud of ourselves. Faith is all about fighting on no matter how many times we fall. *hugs*

Leave an imprint in someone else's life. I really appreciate the new friendships that have come my way. And I shall not hold back, even though the wounds of betrayal are still fresh. I am hopeful, even though I should be cynical.

Pray. Thank YOU, for giving me what I know I don't deserve. 3 pages for a 100 marks paper. Thank YOU, for the A-. Above all, thank YOU, for everything.

I think the best clubbing outings are when I can lose myself and just live for the moment, sans the stupifying effects of alochol. And last night, was such a night.

The night shone because of the warm-glow that came from the camaraderie of friends who've learnt to love each other for the good, and sometimes ugly moments (wei qi mo kok :P). 

We rawked, because the club became our personal bedroom, and we danced like no one was looking.

Danced for ourselves the way we do in our dreams, danced so hard so we won't forget that night, danced a song as a tribute to friendship, danced our dreams, danced and jived to remind ourselves of our strength, danced to acknowledge our fears.

Variations of the chicken dance, rockstar wannabe guitar strumming and 70's a-go-go. At one point in time, I remember us looking at the podium and (we did try) dancing along.

Whatever it was, we danced.

And the dance didn't stop even though we left the club. We danced, the darkness away. :)