a Journey

I threw a million dollar punch. I’m sorry that I was so accurate with my aim; I know it must have hurt a hell lot. But… I mean, it was a freaking accident! HONESTLY. Mmm so I was playing around and I threw a punch to my side, without really looking to see where my fist was going, because, you know, I thought that he would be able to see the punch coming, considering he was facing me and was well aware the punch was coming his way… well, obviously he did not. So there he was post pilot eye op, and I hit him straight on in the eye. oops. King Kong told me to think of his family and their welfare the next time I decide to throw a punch at Lama. Wise words. ;P and for King Kong’s birthday last night, I stayed well away from Lama’s eye despite the champagne & red wine. (I keep mixing my drinks! Argh!)

Anyway, it’s been less than a week since the holidays and already I’ve had too much junk food. Too much. But you know what? The Ponggol nasi lemak is so worth it. It’s so amazingly rich & smooth; I never knew coconut rice could be so addictive. And the lovely yolk and sambal… heavenly. Even through the haze of champagne, I could still appreciate the lemakness of it all. :) unfortunately, the same cannot be said about the attitude and quality of the bugis food court. All I wanted was a drink. And so, I figured, let’s give the food court a try. It’s just tea with milk. No sugar. Iced. But the blessed lady did not understand the meaning of ice the first two times, and when she finally understood me on my third attempt… well. She pretty much gave me ditch water. Served up with good old swearing on her part (I may not look like I understand the words that were coming out of her mouth, but I did. And no, I don’t smell bad, lady.) I should have returned the tea to her, because I took a sip and threw it into the next dust bin. Life’s too short to get ditch water for your daily caffeine fix, I say.

In other news, I suddenly want ear muffs with matching gloves and cap. I don’t know why. Think it’s the influx of Christmas movies advocating a white Christmas. Whatever it is, my tropical trip to Bangkok will be just fine for a birthday. (I want to go snorkeling! Well, diving’s too expensive. So I shall be contented with the surface for now.)

And F*ir. I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When are you coming back?

i wonder. sometimes, i hate the fact that everything we talked about seems to be more of a facade than ever before. yet. when i think about it rationally, it makes sense why you and i can't be there at the same time. the secret's so dark. it might not be able to be camouflaged properly. but. it is not right. grey as feelings may be. there are somethings in life which are black and white. i don't know. thankfully, you'll never read this. cos 2 confused people are no help. and if i knew what i should do. i would. bad judgement on my part. bad character on yours. or is it? damnit. i wish i knew. when i saw the look on his face (fcuk someone actually took a photo of it when he was on the mobile with you.) i wish. i wish i knew how to make things better then. it's not right. i wonder what will make things right again.

As I look towards the day I'll officially become an adult, I realise how blessed I've been to have had all the wonderful experiences and crazy fun using the excuse of being young and stupid. It wasn't an amulet against hurt and pain, but it was a bonus, a trump card that allowed me the best memories and experiences I know I've been so fortunate to enjoy. Tears and all.:)

And now, as I look back to all those times, I find myself missing SPACE. Maybe my pigsty of my room is getting to me. But seriously, I miss the sea, the sky, the trees... the stars so, so much. This is a city-state and the city-ness of it all is lovely but grating after awhile. I want my blanket of stars. Oh SO bad. I want to drive along the costal roads with the sea and forest on either side of me and the air so fresh and crisp. Somehow, whilst I can understand the rustic charm of the local beach, sometimes, it's just too small a space for too many a Singaporean.

Yaya keeps bugging me to sleep: "Why don't you sleep? Go have a nice rest in the boys' room." (p.s. she's refering to my brothers' room cos I seem to like their bed more than mine. Maybe it's cos I keep rolling off my bed?!) I wish I could. But I think my body temperature performs optimally at 12 degrees. I don't know. I can't seem to sleep here as I do in winter.

Winter. I want my white Christmas. Well, even fake snow would make me happy now! ;) It's SPACE I miss so much.

Excerpts of SPACE from my roadtrips. I need to find myself a kampung soon if I don't get over this craving soon. People crave chocolates. I crave space. (why?!)

Childhood gave me the freedom of space, I wonder what the next phase will bring. I really wonder. With all child-like curiosity.

just when i thought it was all nicely buried. that my dark secret had been lost to the abyss never to return, it came back. a sneering reminder through her story. it was almost as if she were telling my story to me. when she turned to me,  i saw the same knots in her eyes. the resignation, the fear, the confusion, the fatigue. and her belief that she was strong enough.

i really hope you are stronger than me. because, until today, listening to your story still made me cry. i don't know why. and this is why i needed time alone.

considering I have to rise in a measly 6 hours, I should be plopping myself on the bed. but no, I can't. Maybe I'll be able to do so after this. I hope. Cos I so do need those 6 hours for tmr's last stages of panic and flurry. So the paper's due at 5p.m and we've yet to settle the APA style much less print anything decent. If the toners in school were to cough and splutter on me tmr, I'll end my wheezing life together with theirs. Darn toners. We should start a trust fund for the impoverished computer labs. We pay school fees, miscellaneous fees, union fees, coffee fees. fees and more fees and yet we don't have functioning printers. somehow, I wonder if a last minute crash course would help me see the light. BUT. the thot was amazingly sweet. and since life is already the way it is, no point trying to aid it in becoming bleaker/greyer/hazier. so right here and now, I am thankful for: erdinger black; girlfriends who sell out to make-up on a solo shopping spree ;); a god-brother who looks like a shaolin monk ( i've never been stuck between screaming and laughing before); brothers who open the drink cans for me and let me use their mobile plans upgrade to get a mobile which makes complete sense in my flighty world; a new truckload of chocs in the fridge; and a promised day out (though i don't know if i can afford the time. another story for another day). there, maybe, this will aid the sleep.

This has been a pathetically unproductive afternoon, and I've given up on any semblance of an essay before dinner. I wish I had more self-control to stop surfing the Net, and be more focused when searching for much-needed info to give the essays some lovely academic weight. Well, so now, all I have at the end of the afternoon after rising at 11-ish, is an outline and a scratchy understanding of what ANOVA means in the lovely world of stats.

I get butterflies in my tummy at the thought of how much of a class dunce I am. In year 3, and my worst grades have to start appearing NOW. And no, a Serbian accent does not help one make sense of F-values and type III sum squares (or whachamacallit) and the like. I've been studiously surfing statistics for the early part of the afternoon. Perusing each page as though it were the Holy Grail to fill the vacuum in my understanding. I don't even think I am coherent any more.

 Whatever. The parents' are calling and I've yet to look decent enough to face civilisation. I want my new camera. NOW. Why must they wait 2 weeks to bring in the coloured ones?! (BTW, I convinced my dad that Fuji is better than Canon when it comes to my personal camera. I don't know what he's going to tell Uncle An*drew, but I think, I could very well tell him that if the iXus had put intelligent flash into their cameras, I'd buy them again. And maybe, he'll still be our friendly Canon man.)

Last night was fantastic. I love my girls. And, chilling till 4a.m. when it wasn't planned, is a pretty good sign of a lot of things. I think. Anyway, I got lucky. The birthday will be held MY way. (very, thankfully) Small with plenty of bubbly, good food and anecdotes to go around.

Peace n Love. I need a new blog.