a Journey

goodbye

2007-10-20T16:16:31+08:00

i'll see you at http://myclosetcatharsis.blogspot.com/

What do you do when your world changes?

2007-10-17T16:09:30+08:00

In a single weekend, a family tradition which has always been practiced since, I can remember really, evaporated into nothingness. Maybe it was just the final stage of the whole process since A.J died. After she died, Hari Raya was never quite the same. I’ve never admitted it to anyone before, but I still miss her. I can’t and don’t talk about her, like remember her, the person that she was to me and all of us, the way I still miss her cooking and going over to her place to chill out after school. I can’t say out loud the way I miss going out with her. I am scared of crying because I’m so afraid I won’t ever stop. I’ve never cried so hard since the day she died and I haven’t since. I still remember running to her when I fell down and she made me realize it really was okay to fall – she taught me to laugh at myself, and not blame the other cousins. She could laugh in the face of everything, including cancer. She was the one person I know, who died with a smile on her face. Or maybe I was just imagining it all. All I know is this: we lost a part of ourselves that day. All of us did.

This Hari Raya, we didn’t celebrate it with them. I guess, work caught up with everyone, and they just wanted to rest instead of clean up after the open house. Maybe we were all really tired. And somehow, the open house, just took second place. Maybe, the final nail has finally been driven into A.J’s coffin. I think Death is not a single event; it’s a process that continues even after the final kiss has been given.

Just like the boys I knew from childhood are no longer the men I see today. I don’t know if we really know each other anymore. I guess we don’t really. A year ago, we danced on cheap champagne, believing in a future together, “forever and ever, love!” But as Christmas approaches, I don’t know who I’ll be dancing with this year. The colors that they painted my life with will always remain: red for the craziness, a blur of yellow lights as we flew down slopes with the wind hard blowing against our faces we had to shut our eyes, black silence for the night which always brought a peace with it as we sat anywhere, really, to breathe and stone… but, a lot of things, we have changed.

Now, she’s going too. As a girl, I ran home to her, because I missed the strength that could be found in her embrace. The alaga who enjoyed special treatment … dealing with this is not an option because she deserves better. But it’s 22 years I am saying goodbye to.

So what do you do when your world changes? How do you breathe properly without a dull ache in your throat that chokes and constricts?

Self-preservation is the name of the game

2007-10-11T14:53:19+08:00

Scam Alert to Drivers in SG

2007-10-03T14:06:54+08:00

Drivers, watch out:

My grandpa who's 80, still drives every once in awhile. The other day whilst he was driving over to visit the chiropractor in my area, he saw three Bangladeshi workers who were standing on the road divider. He slowed down to let them cross, but only one did. The other two remained on the road divider.

As he proceeded to drive on, he heard a loud thump on the boot of the car. He pulled up by the side of the road to investigate, and the two Bangladeshi workers who had remained on the road divider approached him. They claimed that my grandpa had knocked one of them down, as witnessed by the other worker who had remained on the divider with him. They demanded a compensation. So, they took everything grandpa had in his wallet which amounted to SGD 100.

He was urged to make a police report after he told the chiropractor this incident. Unfortunately, the Bedok Reservoir stretch is undergoing major renovation/construction/upgrading works, so the police haven't managed to find the two workers.

I'm not sure if the third worker was involved in this scam. And just FYI: the road divider, is an elevated one so I don't think grandpa could have even run over their toes, like I wish he did.

So drivers, beware. This is not the first time something like that has happened. A girlfriend of mine once got into a minor scrap with a dispatch driver who worked for a fast food joint. It was a minor collision, and the driver proceeded with his deliveries after my girlfriend, M, insisted on bringing him to a doctor for a check-up.

She felt worried that he didn't want to see a doctor, and exchanged contacts with him, in case anything were to crop up later on, she volunteered to pay for his medical bills.

What possessed her to do this, I don't know. Maybe it was the fact that everything was fine and dandy after the mini-accident where his bike skidded into her car. There were no scratches on her car at all, and his bike was fine too.

Unfortunately for her, he called her the following day saying that he went for a check-up at a hospital and somehow or other, the bill came to 4-figures which he wanted to claim from her. She asked to see the receipt etc. and he went ballistic on the phone, swearing at her. At one point in time, he even threatened a lawsuit saying that he was unable to work from henceforth. Thankfully, M had the sense of mind to say she would contact her family lawyer.

Let's just say that the man dropped the whole notion of a lawsuit pretty fast. As for the receipt etc. Well, I don't remember M paying more than 3-figures after asking to see the validity of his claims, which turned out to be for a sprain hand. FYI: She did pay more than she had to because she felt sorry for him. Once again, I don't know why (?!).

for a little while...

2007-09-26T13:13:03+08:00

let the inhibitions fall away.

will we remember to smile through our tears?
i wonder, since now, we grit our teeth so
the tears won't fall. and we just
stop smiling
to remain aloof and impenetratable

don't take anymore sleeping pills
because i'll run through the night with you,
and we'll ride at 180km/h
like we did before

Love y'all

SBS 0046 U

2007-09-15T00:07:45+08:00

To: All who were with me this evening as we crowded around the front doors of bus no. 9

It had been a long wait. I know we were all rushing to get to our destinations. Be it a dinner at home, a gathering of friends or just that relaxing hot soak in the bathtub - We all had places to go. And we wanted to get there fast. So when bus no. 9 finally appeared, we swarmed towards the front of the bus, edging forward as much as possible in hope that we would be able to board just that bit faster than the next commuter. No one wanted to miss the Friday night ride. So when we saw her, that wisp of a lady teethering precariously at the front of the bus, we sighed. In our minds, we wondered, "Why alight from the front?!" Of course, we didn't care that she had clenched her teeth, jaw set in concetration as she tried to keep her balance. We didn't care then she was so frail, standing there in her bright yellow dress. It looked out of place amidst our modern blacks and grey, how unfashionable to have splotches of green set against bright yellow. And here she was blocking our way up the bus.

And so no one moved. A sea of empty eyes stared up towards her vulnerable weathered face, as she hesistantly made her way down. She stopped at the last step, afraid to make the slight jump to the pavement. And still, we didn't part. Suddenly, a Filipino family pushed to the front of the crowd, and the mother reached her hand out and held her by her wrist. It was a firm grip that came with a smile that said, "I got you." Leaning her weight against the mother, she made her way down, as the streams of people rushed past her eager to get any available seat. They were tired and weary, you see.

It didn't matter that some of us "less corporate jaded" ones were appalled and upset. For all our mutterings and dirty looks cast at the crowd around us, we continued to stand as one with them. We didn't push them aside and reach out to help an old lady in need. You can't really blame us, we weren't programmed that way. We hadn't been through a campaign that said, "Help Old Ladies Alight from the Buses". Not much money had been spent on a bus-specific programs, so we had reason to be ignorant of what to do. After all, we had forgotten our souls a long time ago.

my blue curacao

2007-09-04T19:38:33+08:00

Thank you for picking me up during a dreary grey day, when nothing I said seemed to be right. I wasn't the most intelligent of them all on that rainy Monday, but you brought a wee bit of sunshine when you let me indulge my whim. And things just got better despite the traffic jam and the fact that we almost had to do some manual labour when the fuel tank ran low...
Thank you for bringing me to your hideaway durian stash. Yes, it does taste better than the ones at Geylang. And way cheaper too. :)
And the claypot rice. Yes, it's the first time I ever had such an authentic one - and those crispy rice bits are addictive. Car-ci-no-gens, never heard of them. Not to mention the succulent, juicy chicken parts which were so tender and flavourful. Thanks for eating it with me, although I know it was dinner no. 2 after your beef kway teow.
Not forgetting the Coco Ice. Chocolate powder, the real thing, not Milo... on shaved ice.

Mister K, you're the best friend anyone can ask for on a blue Monday.
(p.s. The blue curacao makes a pretty picture)

B Boy, this is for you

2007-09-02T11:24:14+08:00

You say that you're going to try
To love her like you once did.
But I see the confusion,
And reluctance in your eyes.
Determination too.
After all,
You never stopped loving her.

All the spin stories which say,
Love is enough.
Oh, the lies. Loving someone doesn't mean
"I do", forever and ever.

Love just means,
you care and want the best
For her.
And you want to see her smile
With happiness.
Truly basking in a love
You can't give to her;
And she doesn't understand why.

Love just means, you're willing to
Shortchange yourself,
for a year or so.
Although you'd never allow a dear one
To do the same.

And so, I'll step into the shadows now
instead of saying more.
I can't, because I did the same before.
And I'd probably do the same again.

It's your call.
All I can say is this:
I don't feel indebted to anyone.
Nothing's fair in love and war.

We make the decisions that allow us
To sleep at night,
And move on when the time comes,
To let the string go.

it's getting better

2007-08-26T01:49:15+08:00

It's amazing how a box of chocolates and Peppermint Choc Chip can help make a listless month better. Especially when they're enjoyed with girlfriends who help bring a breath of fresh air, and spunk that has been sadly missing from my sluggish month. This has been a month of heavy knots in the stomach as I flipped through what seemed like endless pages of literature reviews. Thankfully, the 'torture' isn't that painful to go through anymore. In fact, it's becoming more bearable. Actually, I'm starting to find the readings useful and intriguing. I'm not sure if this is that great a sign though - it could just mean, I'm starting to be aware of how little I know. And pragmatic desperation is what helped me survive three hours of readings at Gelare's today. It's pathetically short, I know. But, it's a good start I think, because now, there's something in me that wants to carry on reading. I want to do my readings. I've done 19 articles for FYP since we've started to get serious about it. This is but the tip of the iceberg... Nerd-dom anyone?

I guess another mood booster was the DavidGoliath cap that I finally managed to wear out today. Anyway, Cha*g & Deb* are big fans of it ;) I wish for a DavidGoliath shop here. It would really help for days when we feel plain ol' dumb, and we need to have catharsis, and retail therapy just doesn't quite cut it anymore. Yes, for moments when I feel like the uglier version of a closet blonde, I need something to remind me, yes I was stupid. But it's not the end of the world. And for that, I wish we had an entire DavidGoliath shop here. Walking into their stores allows you to revel in stupidity & more for the indulgent hour or so that you're shopping with them. And I may not be as smart as I'd like to be, but there's a glimmer of hope yet.

This week has really helped dispel August's cloudiness. It's amazing how the return of the best friend, the Monday chill-out session with a very patient & indulging shifu, and the news that the personal bouncer is staying on at least till next Oct helps chase the moodiness & angst of the month away. And the fact that Yaya & Mum just baked trays of cinnamon & mocha rolls and made konnyaku jelly... It's really been a good week. Thank God.

mid-august in pictures

2007-08-22T16:37:49+08:00

this month...
* I've lost a friendship of 7 years because I took a gamble. I won't say I've lost because I knew that this was a probable outcome, but I won't deny it hurts all the same.
* Cut my fringe (again.) I really need to do something about this hair.
* Realised that what I've been holding out a year for really is just an illusion, in simpler terms: not worth anything. But closure is the sweetest thing in the world after all the 'what ifs'. And really, the courage to stand up for one's self is totally underrated. I think, we can be stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
* Finally had a reunion in KL with the cousins after 4 long years.
* Started FYP and Yr 4: omg. I can't believe it's the last year! :| It's panic amidst procrastination. urps.
* hic-Loof-hic At least I didn't get drunk this time. And no rashes! Alcohol is THE enemy.
* Realised how much I need the sisterhood to make the days ahead brighter.

let the pictures roll, I don't think I want to say anymore.

Ben-Jacky's wedding-A06

KL snapshots of the cuzs :)