a Journey

You say that you're going to try
To love her like you once did.
But I see the confusion,
And reluctance in your eyes.
Determination too.
After all,
You never stopped loving her.

All the spin stories which say,
Love is enough.
Oh, the lies. Loving someone doesn't mean
"I do", forever and ever.

Love just means,
you care and want the best
For her.
And you want to see her smile
With happiness.
Truly basking in a love
You can't give to her;
And she doesn't understand why.

Love just means, you're willing to
Shortchange yourself,
for a year or so.
Although you'd never allow a dear one
To do the same.

And so, I'll step into the shadows now
instead of saying more.
I can't, because I did the same before.
And I'd probably do the same again.

It's your call.
All I can say is this:
I don't feel indebted to anyone.
Nothing's fair in love and war.

We make the decisions that allow us
To sleep at night,
And move on when the time comes,
To let the string go.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm addicted to pain. Because lately, all the choices I've been making w.r.t my personal life seem to be pointing towards Heartbreak Hotel (again). Wt*. I so need to learn my lessons. But then again, I'm a lot more numb now than I was before.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

The gold has left and I'm a blank piece of paper.

我不再恨也不再爱。说起以前的事我的心也没有含着一滴希望。
“我们”现在是“我”和“他”。。你的关心不再令我哭。
也许我们已经开始成为所谈过的“朋友”。
（12/01/07）

This weekend, I smiled...

When I saw the flowers from you.

Roses for love.

Lilies to show me that you listened and still remember.

You made my day.

Making the right decision with you,

and knowing that I am not alone in walking this path.

There are many paths to happiness,

and I am sure that we will

be able to make this journey together.

The journey can only make us stronger,

the reward sweeter. :)

I have

faith

love

Today when you called me to tell me about your results, my heart broke. I could hear the pain in your voice; the tears that were threatening to break from that stronghold within, the disappointment and the hurt. I wish that at that point in time, I was in the cafe with you as you received the results. Back in Melbourne with you instead of trying to juggle packed lunches here in Singapore. By your side telling you, that I was proud of you. That I am not worried for you when it comes to skool. Why? Because gurl, I know you can make it. I believe that all you need is time to settle in, and now that you have, you WILL shine in the semester to come. Fay-gurL, you can do so well there in RMIT. I thought so from the very first day I was there with you, and I'm just waiting to be proven right. Look at it this way, you're skipping an entire year of uni and starting at yr3. I honestly have no idea how I can even scrape through if I were to be in the same situation as you! Gurl. Please smile for me. (Otherwise, I seriously think I'd be feeling blue too!) Have faith. Everything happens for a reason and even if we can't see it now, I'm sure the reason will reveal itself in time to come. *hugs*

I took a walk down memory lane today when I walked past the ol' playground Fay and I used to visit on the way to the MP library. The swings are gone, but I could still picture the two of us then in our TK uniforms. She so tiny and small, me the bigger one skirt billowing as I swung as hard as I could with the swing creaking dangerously beneath my weight. Secondary school days were lovely because it seemed then, that our future lay before us bright and so full of unknown potential. We were young, happy and hopeful. Now, I daresay we're happy. But it's different from the girlish giggly happy. I guess, my happy now is bittersweet. It's the bitterness of having experienced lessons of life swirled together with the beauty that life still manages to hold for you.

I guess you can say my bitter comes from realising that life does cut deep sometimes; but the beauty lies in those who step forward and try to mend me. So much so that the scar becomes a reminder of the love that I have, instead of the pain I went through. I smile back on my scars, because I remember how those around me helped mend a broken me back. The pain only made the sweet better.

My Christmas pressie will be touching down on the 20th of Dec, my CNY ang pao will be touching down on the 17th of Jan *fingers crossed* My lifesaver will be leaving for Melbourne for good (noO!) around that time.

I guess people will always be coming and going. It hurts but I guess like Jo said, at least I'll always have my gurls. So maybe I can't have all of them here with me, but at least I can smile knowing that I love and I am loved. To all you dearies, take care & God bless till we meet again!

This is what I owe:

Fir:: Ben 'n' Jerry ice cream outing followed by choc buffeT!::

dear sweet Fay::ur christmas & birthday treats shall be rolled into a woof-ful (*hint hint*) one::

Lama dah-ling::my undivided attention::

Ern:: Christmas play help?::

Aunty Kat & cuzs::gurls' nite out::

Parents::trip up to Melaka::

Brothers::pampering treats::

Yaya::her well-deserved pressie::

p.s. they're not in order of importance!!

Anyway, Jumbo Seafood at East Coat rawks my tummy! (variation of a line I know ;) ) The Sri Lankan crabs there are succulently delicious! Steamed * Peppered * Chillified * take your pick, but I'm pretty sure like me, you'll walk/roll away a happy full gurl. Drunken prawns in sweet warming soup with chinese wine, white button scallops on yam rings, seafood mee goreng with generous portions of sweet sauce, prawns, fish and sotong. *rubs rotund tummy* It was such a lovely indulgence, with me trying to play adult. I was the only kiddo amongst all the older (think 50's) adults. But I guess the dinner really helped ease any discomfort. Washed down with oolong tea... yummY! :)

y'know how it never rains but it pours?

well, yesterday i had plenty of

Pampering, Care & Love

all pouring down on me! *blissful smile*

first there was Fir, then my dad, Yaya & Antony.

maybe it's cos i was moving into hostel that's why...

my dad is especially protective of me,

whenever i leave his side

and Yaya jst goes berserk,

thinking i'll fall prey to negligence

of my own doing -of cos-

so i was piled high with food, chocs, coffee, cereal...

dad actually drove to toa payoh

*touched*

cos he heard tt e NTUC there,

Had more innovative snacks stuff

or sth along those lines. *hmm*

basically, i've e works sitting in my dorm pantry.

i've got Post Blueberry cereal, Kellogs cereal...

Nescafe gold in cute itsy bitsy packet forms

a whole box of Ferrero Rocher...

to say e least.

i am blessed.

and i am thankful.

i like having brekkie with Fir,

or meeting up with him for tt matter

cos everytime i do, i gain insight into matters close to my heart.

like family... my parents, especially my parents.

it's amazing how many issues i seem to have with them

i wonder if tt's normal even.

but talking to Fir, i realise this fact:

come what may, they love me

maybe a way bit too much,

or to put it better

not e way i want to be loved.

i feel suffocated at times, till today

frustrated yes. often.

and loved, pampered too.

i guess i don't realise how good i've got it

till i start looking around me with my eyes wide open

then i see, i've been blessed.

just cos they don't love me e way i want them to,

i knw they're still loving me with all tt they can offer.

it doesn't solve or ease e scars frm e numerous fights i've had with them

e screaming, e cursing, e hating, e tears.

i still need time to get over it.

but Fir, looking at e way u are now with ur dad...

it gives me so much hope.

i'm so happy things worked out for ur parents n u! *really truly*

Pampered Princess who's appreciating all tt she's got,

Sophie

i'd rather hve fantastic memories, no matter how brief a period in my life, than have it okay for e rest of my life. live rather than exist; it's so easy to aspire to tis, but so painful n difficult to live by it. *sighs* today, i learnt tt one of e hardest thing in life is learning how to let go of familiarity: lost love and what once was. here again, it's e schism between knowing e practical thing to do, n whether u can will ur heart to agree with ur head. a cheating boyfriend together with a moral-less gurl with a boyfriend of her own n ur helpless gurlfriend are key examples of tis. obviously, cheating boyfriend a.k.a heartless jerk who is cheating with moral-less gurl (who cannot make up her mind between her own boyfriend and heartless jerk after 3 months) is so obviously not worth helpless gurlfriend's tears. but what can anyone do? e decision has to come from her; she alone can choose to turn her back n look ahead saying i deserve better n i'm going to move on. *sighs* no one else but she can make e choice for herself.

i think the best kind of relationship one can have, is to have the other party balance you out. like the concept of yin and yang, that's how my friendship with fay is. i know that when i'm down; she's going to be the strong one to talk me out of my miserable lil' stupor. when i'm happy as a lark and about to do the most airhead things on earth; i know i can count on her to smack me back to sense. *smiles* that's what best friends are for ain't?

fay, i think you're so amazingly brave to vernture to melbourne on your own. i mean, you took the plane over alone, and pretty much have to settle yourself in; D-I-Y. i know you think that it's nothing much, pretty run-of-the-mill stuff. i, however, think you've got quite a fair bit of guts to do what you're doing now. u've always been tis tiny lil' dynamite, and i really think you're gonna excel in RMIT. you've got what it takes gurl. now that you're done with e worrying (unnecesary, really), i hope that you'll be smiling more! take care dearie!

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with e truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserves. love never fails.